there ain't no doubt in no one's mind that love's the finest thing around

I am coming home this summer.

Not a very compelling opening line, you say? Not for most people, anyway. I haven't been home for an entire summer since I was thirteen. Song-Writers' Camp I and II, Cooking Camp, Allegheny Outback! at WSS, Uphill Youth at Cherokee Cove, Cornerstone at Spring Canyon, Support Staff at WSS, Teacher's Assistant at Spring Canyon, and then 5-7 year olds' Teacher at Spring Canyon. Somewhere in there, my motives merged from "fun times and new experiences" to "I have to get away from Boone" to "I want to serve the Lord's people". I grew a great deal through those years of service and fun and challenges. I met wonderful, wonderful people that I will never forget. I made friendships that will last the rest of my life. God taught me things and molded my heart through different circumstances. I have worked hard, played hard, cried, laughed, and loved. 

So, I'm going home. Why? Honestly, I didn't think I was going to, and even now trying to wrap my mind around it gets me a little panicky inside. What on earth is it like to be home all summer? What will I do? I wanted to go back to Spring Canyon. I even thought the Lord was leading me there. I applied. I really thought it was the thing to do. But I slowly began to realize that I wasn't being honest with myself. I wasn't searching my motives. I wasn't willing to admit that perhaps, just maybe, there might be some pride or insecurity factoring into my decision. Or fear. Fear? I'm not afraid of anything. Well, actually, I am. 

I'm a bit afraid to come home. For one, I don't really know what it's like to be home all summer. Silly, I know. The more honest I forced myself to be, the more I realized how twisted up my reasons for going were, and another factor began to emerge. What if I am needed at home? Well, that doesn't sound fun. Does everything have to be fun and perfectly fitted to what you want? Ouch. I want to be where the Lord wants me, I've said that for months. Well, what if the Lord wants you to go home? What if He wants you to wash dishes, clean cabins, sweat in the southern humidity and love your family? And then I stop talking to myself like a crazy person and I hear Somebody else. Do you really want to follow Me, or do you only want Me as an accessory to your own plans? Well... I feel cornered. 

I can't explain how sure I am that I should come home. I just know that it's what the Lord has planned for me. Mostly because just thinking about boarding a plane to Colorado gives me that tight, uneasy feeling in my chest that you probably understand if you've ever heard the Holy Spirit say "No" in that voice He uses when you can't even pretend to not know what He is saying. Free will my foot. 

Am I happy to be going home? Sure thing. Am I nervous? Yep. Will I cry and feel sorry for myself once or twice in the near future because I'm not doing what I wanted for myself? Probably, but I will be embarrassed about that and it will most likely not make a post on the Aug Blog. The thing is, I already know in my short nineteen years of existence that doing the Lord's will -- no matter how much I dig my heels into the ground, no matter how unromantic and boring it sounds -- always turns out to be much, much better than I could've ever imagined. 

So, Boone town. I'm coming home. Show me whatcha got.